


Still our hands match, still with hearts beating

by Multi_shipping_af



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A tiny sprinkle of fluff, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Do you get that it's angsty yet?, First War with Voldemort, Heavy Angst, Kinda dysfunctional relationship, M/M, Marauders' Era, Rating may change too as there will probably be smut, Sirius is proven innocent, The Marauders - Freeform, Will add tags as I go, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:37:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multi_shipping_af/pseuds/Multi_shipping_af
Summary: Ever wonder what it would've been like if Sirius had been proven innocent much sooner and was freed from Azkaban?He and Remus have to find a way to rebuild their relationship and overcome their pain all while taking care of their godson, Harry.(First chapter can be read alone as Sirius and Remus' last night together before Halloween 1981)





	1. Still

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song Still by Daughter and it would be better if you listened to it while reading this :)

_Two feet standing on a principle_

_Two hands longing for each others warmth_

_Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats_

_Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go_

 

_It’s spiraling down_

_Biting words like a wolf howling_

_Hate is spitting out each others mouths_

_But we’re still sleeping like we’re lovers_

 

_Still with feet touching_

_Still with eyes meeting_

_Still our hands match_

_Still with hearts beating…_

 

 

October 30th 1981

 

Sirius was leaning back on the kitchen counter. Opposite him, Remus was mirroring his position on the dining table holding a steaming cup of hot chocolate. The air between them was thick and tense.

“You know I have to go, Sirius. No one else can do it!”

Remus was tired of this conversation; everytime Dumbledore would ask him to go spy on the werewolves on Voldemort’s side, Sirius would throw a tantrum about how dangerous it is and they would start fighting again. 

“Well then we don’t need to spy on the werewolves. We’ll figure something else out!” shouted Sirius.

Remus let out a huff of air and said as calmly as he could, “He’s gathering power and we need all the help we can get,” his voice rose a few octaves as he continued, “He’s after Harry now. How selfish of me would it be not to help?”

“You know I love Harry just as much as you do but you can’t keep going there. They’re hurting you, Remus. Don’t think I didn’t notice all your new scars.” he sighed heavily and said matter-of-factly, “you are not going again. I won’t let you.”

“Well it’s a good thing it’s not up to you then, Black!” yelled Remus. 

He noticed the hurt expression that passed on Sirius’s face and instantly felt guilty for snapping at him; he was only trying to protect him after all. 

“I need some air.” murmured Remus after a long uncomfortable silence as he grabbed his car keys from the table and walked out of the room. Seconds later, Sirius heard the front door slam shut.

 

Nearly three hours later, Remus pulled over on the side of the road opposite their house. He was exhausted from roaming aimlessly around town trying -and failing to clear his mind. 

He was happy to find that all the lights in the house were shut. It meant Sirius was asleep and that he wouldn’t have to face him right now.

But as he soundlessly stalked through the front door as to not wake Sirius up, he was startled to see his boyfriend sitting in the living room. His elbows propped on his knees and his head was lowered between his hands.

Remus slowly walked towards him and put his hand on his shoulder.

Sirius’s head shot up and his hand flew to his belt to retrieve his wand before he registered the face standing in front of him.

Remus sat down on the couch next to Sirius. This close, he could see the tears staining his cheeks and running from his eyes which were red and swollen. Remus felt a pang of guilt knowing he caused that.

He gently wiped his boyfriend’s tears with his thumb as he murmured, “I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“It’s not that… It’s…” Sirius sobbed and sniffed his nose before continuing, “It’s just that you’ve been gone for such a long time I thought… Well I thought you left for good.”

“What?! Left for good?! Why in the world would I do that?!” 

Sirius hesitated, “I don’t know… Maybe you finally got sick of all our fighting.”

Remus smiled a sad smile and replied, “Sirius, did you forget I’m an equal participant in these fights as well? And as much as I hate them, I would never ever leave you.”

Sirius chuckled slightly and said, “I would never dream of it either. But I guess I just miss… You know… Us. The way we used to be before the war.”

Remus sighed, “Let’s go to bed.”

The taller man took Sirius’s hand and led him to their bedroom where he laid them on the bed with Sirius on top. 

The latter started kissing Remus. Hesitant in the beginning and then more passionately as they continued.

This is what their relationship had become lately; fighting all day and fucking all night.

How did they get here? Sirius wondered. He remembered the days when they were young and full of life and hope. He remembered their days in Hogwarts when they used to laugh all the time and steal as many kisses as they could between classes. He remembered when they used to make love, not fuck. 

But that felt like a lifetime ago. When there once used to be life and hope, there was only death, heartbreak and fear.

They both hated what has become of their relationship but neither of them knew how to fix it.

Sirius’s hand had already darted down and started tugging on Remus’s shirt to take it off when the werewolf gently took it in his and caressed it while he broke their kiss and said, “Not tonight.” 

Sirius looked at him with a confused frown as Remus gently pushed him off of him and laid on his side facing Sirius who mirrored his position.

Remus kept twirling their fingers together as he said, “Your birthday is in four days. What do you want to do?” 

“Doesn’t matter. You’ll be away, anyways.” said Sirius harshly.

“Sirius… I’m trying to…” He sighed heavily before continuing, “Well, when I come back we should do something to celebrate.” He tried to sound as cheerful as he could.

Sirius understood what his boyfriend was trying to do and he appreciated the effort that Remus was putting to try and fix their relationship.

So he smiled a sad smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he replied, “Alright. When you come back, you can make me dinner and that delicious chocolate cake of yours and we can just eat and watch a movie.” 

“Alright, promise,” said Remus, “I love you, Sirius.” 

It was the truth. Sirius knew that, and he loved Remus too. That’s one thing the war and all it’s difficulties was unable to change. But still he longed for that time when the thought gave him butterflies instead of chills. He longed for that time when thinking of their future together, he saw love and happiness instead of uncertainty and darkness.

“I love you, too.”

 

After nearly an hour, their legs had somehow gotten tangled up together and they were now resting their foreheads against one another. 

“I should really get some sleep. Tomorrow I’ll be spending the day with Dumbledore deciding on our plan and I’ll be leaving to the mountains the next day.” Whispered Remus, so low as if trying not to break the moment.

Sirius hummed in agreement. He didn’t want to protest and break into yet another round of arguing.

“You have a big day tomorrow as well. James and Lily are going to do the spell to make you secret keeper tomorrow, right?” 

Sirius was silent for a few seconds before he said, “You’re right, we should sleep. Goodnight.” 

He wasn’t going to be the secret keeper. Peter was. He, James and Lily had discussed it and agreed that it was the best idea. They only told Peter this morning and they were already rushing to get the spell done by tomorrow. 

Sirius felt bad about lying to Remus, but he didn’t have a choice. The whole point of the plan was to throw off Voldemort, and the less people knew about it, the better. He also didn’t want to risk Voldemort torturing Remus for answers. Therefore, lying was for the best.

Remus however didn’t suspect a thing. He kissed Sirius chastely, their lips barely brushing as he whispered, “Goodnight, love.”

 

 

November 1st 1981

 

Remus heard the news while he was traveling to the mountains. 

The person who told him must have been mistaken, he thought. It couldn’t be true.

He got to James and Lily’s house as fast as he could and couldn’t believe the sight he was greeted with. 

Although he had heard of what happened to them, it didn’t sink in untill he saw their house, which was now a pile of dust and rubble.

They were dead. Lily, James, and even Peter. And that was not even the worst of it.

The worst was that they were all betrayed. Even Remus. They were betrayed by Sirius Black who showed his true colours when he sold James and Lily out to Voldemort and killed Peter for trying to avenge them. And all in the same night. 

Remus cursed himself for being fooled by his pretty words and his teenage cheerfulness. He cursed himself for falling for that beautiful smile that was capable of illuminating the room and making Remus’s heart ring like a bell. Or for falling for his deep grey eyes that made Remus feel warm and at home whenever he looked at them. He had never seen anything but love and adoration in them whenever they were on him. Even with all their fighting in the previous months, Remus never failed to see in them a glimmer of infinite love trying to break through all the pain. 

Could it all have been a lie? 

Remus didn’t know the answer to that. All he knew was that his three best friends were murdered. And by none other than his boyfriend. He could feel his world crumbling around him and he was sure he would never feel whole again.

He sold his and Sirius’s house since he didn’t want to be reminded of him. And then took the money and left to go live far away where he would hopefully distance himself from the whole world and all the misery it has brought him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I should make this into a multi-chapter fic. I already have the next two chapters written and it is basically a sequel to this fic except instead of Sirius staying in Azkaban for twelve years, he is proven innocent and is free much sooner. But then he and Remus have to find a way to fix their relationship and take care of Harry... Anyways tell me if you're interested in reading that, then maybe I'll continue it.  
> I hope you enjoyed this! Kudos and comments are appreciated <3


	2. Dynasty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to continue this fic yaaay! Anyways I don't know how often I'll be updating but I'll try my best. Enjoy! ^^

_The scar I can't reverse_

_When the more it heals the worse it hurts_

_Gave you every piece of me, no wonder it's missing_

 

_Some days it's hard to see_

_If I was a fool, or you, a thief_

_Made it through the maze to find my one in a million_

_Now you're just a page torn from the story I'm living_

 

_And all I gave you is gone_

_Tumbled like it was stone_

 

 

November 15th 1982

 

Remus woke up to a quiet tapping noise on his window. He probably wouldn’t have heard it if his sleep wasn’t so shallow. It had been exactly a year and two weeks since the Potters’ death and he still had nightmares every night. Some about James and Lily’s last moments, some about their happy memories together haunting him, and the worst of all were those where he saw Sirius murdering them, and then he would see himself being held in Sirius’s blood drenched arms.

 

He rubbed his eyes and went to the window. The sun had just started to rise and the sky was tinted orange. 

As soon as he opened his window, a large owl flew in and hovered over his shoulder. He took the letter that was attached to its leg and was surprised when it took off immediately, not waiting for a reply.

 

He unfolded the letter and read it: 

Remus Lupin,

It is with great urgency that I write you this letter at this early hour, for I have new. First, you must know that The Dursleys are mistreating Harry. I know that they seemed alright when you last visited them on Harry’s birthday, but they seem to have changed their ways and although we cannot move him to another home, (as you well know from what I told you a year ago) I do believe you should visit him again. Prove to them that he’s still got people looking out for him even with his parents gone. I would do it myself, but I am in no position for it as I am not a family member. 

However the second news that I have for you is most important and urgent and requires immediate attention. I have reason to believe that Sirius Black is innocent in the murder of the Potters and therefore must be freed from Azkaban as soon as possible. I will give you more details once you arrive.

I expect you in my office in an hour to discuss this matter. You can use the flew network to arrive faster.

\- Greetings, Albus Dumbledore.

 

Remus had to scan the piece of parchment several times to make sure that he read it correctly. 

His brain was buzzing as so many thoughts were running through it all at once. 

He quickly changed into the first clothes he found, grabbed his wand and ran to his fireplace where he shouted “Hogwarts, Dumbledore’s office!”

 

 

When he landed, Remus felt dizzy and nauseated, not because of the floo travel, but because of all the information that was starting to sink in. His heart felt like it was being crushed and could explode at any moment. 

He shouted for Dumbledore but there was no response. Of course. He told him to meet him in an hour, not in five minutes. But how could he expect Remus to wait an hour after the bomb he just dropped on him? He couldn’t.

Remus decided to look for him and ask him the million questions that were running through his head at the moment. So he left the office, descended the stairs, and started walking around the corridors looking for the headmaster.

His brain still hadn’t calmed down and his current setting wasn’t helping. 

Although he hadn’t been in Hogwarts in nearly half a decade, he still remembered every inch of the castle. He also couldn’t help remembering all the memories they had made in it. First kisses, first time drinking, first time smoking, first time sneaking out of the castle and to Hogsmead…

His heart ached at the memory of his friends who were all dead now, all except one. The one he loved the most. He still couldn’t wrap his head around what he read in that letter. Was it really not Sirius who sold them out to Voldemort? 

That news should make Remus happy, but it didn’t. That means Sirius has been in Azkaban for over a year for a crime he didn’t commit. That was too unjust. Remus had read about the place in the past year. It was awful and almost everyone went insane in there.

At first, he thought “this place is for horrible people. And Sirius is not like that. He can’t be.” At first, he had hope that maybe- just maybe- he was innocent. But that hope slowly died with time and with the pain and bitterness of loss. 

But now…

 

After a while, Remus had enough of reminiscing about his old school memories and decided to go back to Dumbledore’s office before his nostalgia could get the best of him and he would start crying.

When he arrived in front of the gargoyle however, he remembered that he didn’t know the password. So he waited there for Dumbledore.

He was still lost in the wild maze that his thoughts had become when Dumbledore broke him out of it saying, “Remus. I wasn’t expecting you for another fifteen minutes or so. And I thought I said to meet me in my office. How did you get here?”

“I came early and went looking for you and then when I tried to come back I couldn’t get past the gargoyle because I didn’t know the password.”

Dumbledore chuckled, “A troublemaker just like old times, Mr. Lupin. Fizzing Whizzbees!”

The gargoyle started spinning and up they went until they reached the headmaster’s office where they sat with his desk between them.

“I am sure that you’re most anxious to know more about what I mentioned in my letter.” said Dumbledore courtly.

“Yes. What do you mean Sirius is innocent?”

 

Dumbledore launched into an explanation of different kinds of research he has been doing lately about The Potter’ deaths and Voldemort’s defeat which all led him to believe that Sirius couldn’t have been the secret keeper. 

“If it wasn’t Sirius, then who was it?”

“I believe it was none other than Peter Pettigrew.”

“What? Pete? That’s insane! He would never do that!”

“Didn’t you say the same thing about Mr. Black when you first heard that he was the culprit?”

Remus was silent. His world had been shook so many times lately and he honestly believed that he might crumble and fall from all the blows he kept receiving.

“I know it’s a lot to process but think about it; why was he kept under such severe protection when Sirius, the supposed secret keeper, was leading an unprotected life?”

“But... Sirius would have told me.”

“Not if the main purpose of the plan was to illude Voldemort into thinking Mr. Black was the secret keeper. You see, in that case, it was safer and cleverer if fewer people knew.”

“Well then where is Peter?”

“My theory is that he truly was killed by Sirius as the muggles say. Maybe he thought it a good idea to frame his friend for his crime and get away. But instead Mr. Black lost his temper and killed him.” 

Remus didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say.

 

Dumbledore spent a good amount of time conveying all his acquired information to Remus. And when he was done, they had both agreed that the next step is to convince the Ministry of this and free Sirius from Azkaban.


	3. Far Away - part 1

_This time, this place misused, mistakes_

_Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait_

_Just one chance, just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

_'Cause you know, you know, you know_

 

_That I love you_

_I've loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me_

_And you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

 

 

January 4th 1983

 

It’s not as cold as usual. That was Sirius’s first thought as he woke up from a fitful sleep. 

He was used to the icy cold that came with the presence of so many dementors, not to mention the fact that he was stuck in a small stone cave that seemed to have been carved so carelessly, judging by the ragged surface of the floor and the three walls. The fourth wall was just a bunch of parallely placed rusty iron bars that opened on a tiny terrace which linked all the cells in that floor which was so high in the air it would be impossible for it not to be freezing cold.

The practically bare wall allowed all the cold breeze from the ocean to swoop in since Azkaban was built on a lonely island in the middle of the North Sea.

Sirius had never felt cold like he did in the year he spent in the prison. Cold both inside and out. Both from the actual low temperature and from the pain of loss, grief and the injustice he was suffering from.

However, this morning was different. He woke up feeling warmer than usual, and he wasn’t hit with the usual despairing thoughts that the dementors loved to plant in the prisoners at every opportunity. 

He thought that maybe he was finally loosing his mind so much that they had no effect on him anymore. But then he saw a faint blue glow approach from the side of his cell. It shone brighter as it came closer and closer until it stopped in front of the door to his cell.

It took a second for his eyes to adjust to the brightness. But when he fully opened them, he finally understood what it was: a patronus. Two, in fact.

One was the shape of a large bird. A phoenix, he realized.

And the second was the shape of a wolf. Sirius’s heart skipped a beat. Could it be? 

But before he could wonder any longer, a silhouette showed up in front of the patronus. The silhouette of the person he’d been praying to see again one more time in his life.

As soon as the door was opened by a ministry worker, Remus ran to him.

Sirius was huddled up on the floor in a heap of thin limbs and dirty torn robes. He also smelled as bad as he looked, but that didn’t stop Remus from picking him up in a bone crushing hug.

Sirius hugged him back with all the force his thin limbs could muster, holding on to his sweater with an iron fist.

He started to sob and Remus kissed the top of his head and whispered, “Shh-It’s okay, you’re safe now. You’re free.”, as he stroked his hair comfortingly.

Sirius could distantly hear Dumbledore's familiar voice arguing with someone, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

Remus was holding him. And he was finally free... It felt too good to be true.

 

They traveled by floo powder again back to Remus’ house in Whales.

Sirius was very quiet. And Remus didn’t have a clue what to say.

He led him to the bathroom and while the animagus was showering, Remus busied himself with preparing him a succulent  meal.

 

The water felt so good on Sirius' skin. It was scolding hot and perfect to wash away all the dirt and to sooth his skin which was blistered from lying on rough rocks.

When he was done showering, he looked at himself in the mirror; his eyes looked old and wary, so unlike the eyes of a normal twenty-three  year-old. Under them were dark half moons caused by his lack of sleep. His hair had gotten so shaggy and repulsing from the lack of care. But at least now it was fresh and clean after his shower, as opposed to a few minutes ago when it was greasy and disheveled.

Sirius used his newly retrieved wand to spell it properly cut and then left the bathroom, heading towards the kitchen.

The second he was in the hall, he caught a delicious smell. The smell of actually edible food.

He couldn’t possibly miss it since the house was so small - just a small living room that you would find yourself in once you walked through the front door, and a rather short hallway that had doors leading to 3 other rooms: one bedroom, one bathroom, and a combined kitchen and dining room. 

He walked into the kitchen and stood in the middle of the room watching Remus flip pancakes.

Sirius cleared his throat and Remus turned around and smiled, “Sit.” He gestured to the dining table.

Sirius sat down and was soon surrounded by so much food he was nearly unable to see the surface of the small wooden table under it anymore.

After bringing him the last of the food, Remus took up a chair next to him.

“You should eat. I made you scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes-”

“Yes I can see that.” Sirius interrupted, more harshly than he had intended.

He cleared his throat, "Thank you.”

He started eating, and so did Remus.

 

After a long uncomfortable silence, Sirius finally spoke, “You moved.” It wasn’t really a question, more like a statement, and Remus could sense a hint of bitterness in it.

He rubbed his neck, “Yeah I did…”

“It’s nice…" Sirius pushed his plate away, "I’m full.”

“Go get some rest and I’ll clean up.”

“Alright.”

Sirius stalked out of the kitchen and then froze. Was he supposed to go into Remus’s bedroom? 

For some reason the idea made him feel uneasy. So he went to the living room and flopped down on the couch instead.

 

Most people would say a couch is an uncomfortable place to sleep, but to a man who had been sleeping on rough floor for a year, it was like sleeping on clouds. 

Waking up a while later, he was certain that the whole thing was a dream and that he would wake up to the sight of rusty iron bars again. But the hand on his shoulder that was gently shaking him awake told him otherwise. 

He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes.

“Sleep well?” asked Remus, “you’ve been out for six hours, it’s the middle of the afternoon now. You won’t be able to sleep at night if you don’t wake up.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Thanks for waking me up.” Said Sirius, still dazed from the great sleep he got.

Remus smiled and sat down next to him, “So what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Watch a movie or something?” He said, rubbing his neck.

“A movie it is.” Remus said as he got up and turned the tiny TV on.

 

They spent hours watching a number of muggle movies while eating the rest of what Remus made that morning. But by the time the sun had set, they were both immensely bored.

Quite frankly, this is not what Remus had in mind for when Sirius came back. 

He wanted to lay him down and shower him with kisses. He wanted to joke around with him and argue with him about the most random of subjects.

He just wanted things to be back to normal. 

He stretched an arm and put it over Sirius’ shoulders. The latter merely ignored it and continued watching the movie. 

Remus inched closer to Sirius and kissed the top of his head. Sirius closed his eyes and Remus took that as encouragement. So he kissed him again on the side of his head. And then lower, on his ear. 

He turned Sirius’ face towards him and kissed his cheek.

“I missed you.” He whispered as he made to capture his boyfriend’s lips in his own. But before he reached them, the other whispered, “Did you?”

Remus pulled away from Sirius to look at him properly. 

Frowning, he said, “Of course I did, Sirius. Why would you say that?”

“You never tried to visit me.” Said Sirius bitterly, his eyes not meeting Remus’.

“It was forbidden. Even when Dumbledore and I were trying to prove your innocence, we weren’t allowed to visit until the Ministry was convinced.”

Sirius looked up at him and said, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that you never doubted me. Tell me you knew I was innocent all along.” 

Remus winced and stared into Sirius’ grey eyes for a few seconds before he sighed deeply, “I’m sorry.”

Sirius laughed bitterly, “Of course you are.” he said as he went into the bedroom and slammed the door shut. 

 

Remus slept on the couch that night, with tears in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is a bit short. It was only supposed to be half of this chapter but the chapter turned out too long so I decided to divide it into two parts. On a brighter note, the next chapter should be out soon since I'm almost done with it ^^  
> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter! Please don't hesitate to comment, your comments make my day :3


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